i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
