Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
