Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
