she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
