i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
