I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
