In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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