If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
