where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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