I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
