The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
