so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
