I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
