I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
