He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
