he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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