THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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