I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
