If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
