y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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