Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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