I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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