Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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