Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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