note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
