I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
