this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
