I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
