words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The beer is more important than you right now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
