Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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