I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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