I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
