Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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