he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize