There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
