I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
