Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
