Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
