I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize