If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
