i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just want nice things and good sex
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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