When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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