He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
