She's JV to your varsity
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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