My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
