So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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