watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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