We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
