Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
