I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want her autograph on my taint
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
