Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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