i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
