There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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