just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
