I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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