god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
