FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
