your parents love me but you hate me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
