you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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