i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
