just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
