What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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