1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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